Monthly Movie Recap - March 2013

It's no joke, this is the March Movie Recap!

As always, clicking on a linked title will bring you to Amazon to order it.

If you're looking for something else, use the search box to the right. 

Thanks!

Sheena (1984)
The film that won Tanya Roberts a Razzie Award (she was only nominated for A View To A Kill). This movie is what I imagine an Aquaman movie made in the 70s would have been like. You know, if it was in the jungle instead of underwater and Aquaman was a hot woman that wore next to nothing and was occasionally nude.

Cool: The only reason to watch this is for Roberts; Might be "good" with Beastmaster
Lame: During the final battle, Sheena uses her animal communication to have flamingos attack the bad guys. Flamingos! And it's hilarious.
Rating: 4/10, did you know there was a TV series with Gena Lee Nolan?

Jack the Reaper (2011)
A bus of high school teens on a weekend field trip (wtf?) wrecks in the middle of the desert where "accidents happen all the time" even though it's a stretch of straight road. When they come to, they decide to check out the nearby carnival until help arrives. Movies set in/around carnivals are my second favorite extremely specific sub-genre of horror. Sadly, there aren't a lot of good ones.

Cool: A lot of it takes place at a carnival. I like carnivals.
Lame: Tony Todd barely has a cameo; The kills are ho-hum; As a fan of horror, the "twist" ending just doesn't make the movie worth it, it's been done before and much better.
Rating: 3/10, the concept of the character Jack is interesting, they should have made this more of a mystery for the kids to figure out instead of having them get chased around.

Death Race 3: Inferno (2013)
The original Death Race: 2000 is one of my favorite cult movies so when the reboot was announced, I was totally against the idea. But you put Statham in it and I'm there! I've actually taken a liking to this series as it's gone on, even though 2 & 3 are prequels to the first one. I really dig the video game/reality show aesthetic.

Cool: Plenty of racing and stuff blowing up; 16 girl caged deathmatch; Danny Trejo; Ving Rhames
Lame: The plot and acting aren't always the best, but that ain't what I'm here for
Rating: 6.5/10, I'm ready for more Death Race!

Creep Van (2012)
This is a weird little low budget horror/comedy that's not always intentionally funny. Not only does the killer murder people but he's tricked out his van to help him do it. It definitely falls into the "so bad it's good" category.

Cool: Great gore effects and some amusing kills
Lame: There's never any clear reason given why the killer is doing what he does but I guess when you're a psychopath with a murder van, you don't need one.
Rating: 5/10, If they had somehow made the van sentient and removed the human killer it would have been awesome!

Oz the Great and Powerful (2013)
Although they weren't allowed to directly tie this to the original film, it will definitely change how I watch it in the future. I was thrilled to see they included the doll people from the book, even if it's just the one China Girl.

Cool: Saw it in IMAX 3D and parts of it were like an amusement park ride; 3D very well done!
Lame: Oz never seems to quite hit the spot where his character changes his ways
Rating: 8.5/10, Is Franco becoming the new Depp?

Chrome Angels aka Cyborg Conquest (2009)
A bad girl biker group robs banks. They hole up in a town not on the map before making their way to Mexico and find the town is populated with...androids?

Cool: It's sad when all I got here is Stacey Dash
Lame: The plot is ludicrously silly; the effects look like they were done on a bargain PC
Rating: 4/10

CAUTION: This is a RED BAND NSFW trailer!!

FDR: American Badass (2012) 
Beyond the trailer, I can't even explain how insanely off the wall this flick is. You'll either love it or want to shut if off after 10 minutes. I never would have known about it if not for Shezcrafti's post about it. Thanks!

Cool: Ray Wise! Ahmed Best has a small part; ass-kicking FDR
Lame: FDR (yeah, bad joke)
Rating: 6.5/10

CAUTION: Red Band NSFW trailer

Sorority Party Massacre (2013) 
Well, it's not much of a party or a massacre but it can be fun at times. The opening is a great Scream homage which I was hoping would set the tone for the rest of the movie having a killer with character but no such luck. The rest of the kills aren't as much fun because we're usually finding the aftermath along with the characters instead of stalking the victims with the killer. But what this lets them do is toss every twist they can into who the killer really is.

Cool: The montage introducing the girls (despite the fact that most of their 'skills' don't matter); the detective is a fun character; brief appearances by Richard Moll, Kevin Sorbo and Ron Jeremy.
Lame: There's maybe one or two too many twists to the killer reveal
Rating: 5.5/10, I was really hoping for more of a fun boob- and blood-fest like Piranha 3D

Constantine (2005)
Overall, the movie was pretty cool. I really enjoy the world it takes place in, it feels like it could be in the same universe as Hellboy which is good considering it's also based on a comic.

Cool: All the supernatural stuff; Rachel Weisz
Lame: Feels like they had two story ideas and couldn't decide which one to go with
Rating: 6.5/10, sticking with the plot gets a little confusing

Spiders (2013) 
Where a lot of similar movies would probably be tossed into the "it could be a SyFy Originals" pile, Spiders really succeeds at being a modern day good ol fashioned monster movie. A lot of the things I'd normally rip on the movie for just make it feel more like an update to the 50s/60s monster movies.

Cool: The Spiders actually look cool; There's some awesome shots when the queen gets loose and the Army is trying to stop her with helicopters, tanks and bazookas that totally makes it feel old school.
Lame: All the spiders seem to have it out for the main character and his family going out of their way to pursue them; The NYC street scenes look like they were shot on a backlot
Rating: 6/10, it's a fun flick!

Ray Harryhausen: Special Effects Titan (2011)
In addition to the interviews with Ray himself and some of the biggest names in the biz, you get to see some of the original puppets and rare behind the scenes footage.

Rating: 10/10, if you're any kind of fan of special effects in movies and/or Ray, this is a must see

Chupacabra vs The Alamo (2013)
More like Hairless Chihuahuas vs the Alamo. The only way I can get through most of these SyFy Originals is to live tweet it with other people. Here's a couple of my tweets to give you an idea how bad the movie is

• It's sad when you have to green screen your actors in front of the landmark where the movie takes place
• I guess if you don't know the proper way to reload an antique rifle, it will just work for you anyway.
• That chupacabra just had a Twinkie Wiener Sandwich...minus the Twinkies!
• Possibly lethal creature. Let me holster my gun and get out the camera.

Cool: Estrada actually looks pretty good and not in the "I've had a lot of work done" way
Lame: The creatures are CGI but move like stop motion?
Rating: 3/10, SyFy claims it's a horror/comedy but the comedy comes from it being a bad movie

My Neighbor Totoro (1988) 
I don't often get to use words like magical, endearing, touching and delightful when talking about movies because I'm usually watching a horror or sci-fi flick but Totoro is definitely all those things. Thanks to a Facebook post from Shawn at Branded in the 80s, I decided it was time to get some Miyazaki under my belt and I'm so glad I did.

Cool: This is just about a perfect kids fantasy movie as you could want; Even though I watched the English dub, it never felt like a dub
Lame: Why has it taken so long for me to see this?
Rating: 8.5/10, I kept getting a Pan's Labyrinth vibe from this. I think if Del Toro did a kid friendly movie it would be something like this

Month Total

 New: 13

Year to Date

New: 34, Rewatch: 0