Wow for the shortest month of the year, it sure felt like the longest. If you feel the need to own any of these (and there's at least one I recommend) click on the linked title.
Enjoy the recap!
No, it's not a prequel to House of 1000 Corpses because that would have been infinitely more awesome. This snooze-fest is about a horror movie being shot in a cursed mansion. They unknowingly summon a bad Halloween costume from the grave and something ensues. I say something because it's sure not hilarity or anything like that.
Cool: The story idea is neat but
Lame: It. Is. So. Boring.
Rating: 3.5/10
Iron Sky (2012)
In 2018, Nazis finally get their revenge by launching a fleet of flying saucers from a secret moon base! It's just as ridiculous as it sounds but in the best way. The team has a great sense of how to do camp right.
Cool: The Sarah Palin-esque POTUS and the whole cast of characters are so over the top; the final battle in space
Lame: What the Nazis end up doing to the black guy goes a little too far into silly for me
Rating: 7/10
My only frame of reference for disaster movies has been Airplane so I
decided to see one of the classics. This movie would never get made
today. It focuses a lot more on the people than the effects, which is a
good thing. But at close to 3 hours, it could have been shorter. I have to say
some of the deaths I didn't see coming and even though it's somewhat
obvious who's going to make it out, it's more about getting them to safety.
Cool: Old school practical effects and big sets
Lame: Don't cut costs on wiring, kids
Rating: 6.5/10
Cool: Old school practical effects and big sets
Lame: Don't cut costs on wiring, kids
Rating: 6.5/10
Sugar Hill (1974)
70s blaxploitation? With Zombies? Oh yes! Ok, so they're voodoo zombies and not the Romero-type but it's a heck of a lot of fun watching them take down The Man.
Cool: Mama Jefferson (The Jeffersons) and Mac (Night Court) appear! Baron Samedi!
Lame: The lead guy's girlfriend's lack of acting is hilariously bad
Rating: 6/10
Identity Thief (2013)
Despite blowing most of the best scenes in the trailers, this is still a pretty funny movie. That is as long as you can watch it without trying to apply any kind of sane logic to what happens.
Cool: Cameos by a couple of prime time sitcom stars
Lame: Why would these credit card companies not call about big spending ASAP? Amanda Peet is wasted here, remember when she was awesome?
Rating: 6.5/10
Horror Express aka Panic on the Trans-Siberian Express (1973)
You could put Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing in a Bollywood dance extravaganza and I will be there to watch it. But you add being trapped on a train with a monster and Telly freakin' Savalas as a mad Cossack, you, my friend, have got yourself a picture!
Cool: It's not a Hammer Horror film but can definitely pass for one
Lame: Stupid scientists, you don't study the thing that's murdering people
Rating: 7/10, almost like if Carpenter's The Thing took place on a train at the early 1900's
7 Faces of Dr. Lao (1964)
Hold on a second before you watch that trailer. Have a look at the poster and imagine what it might be like. See, I thought it looked like a horror movie and I watched it solely based on seeing that poster. I got my mind blown!
I only know Randall from The Odd Couple (shocker) and this movie has given me a totally new appreciation for his talent. Any modern comedian that thinks it's a good idea to make a movie where they play multiple roles should be made to watch this first. I have no doubt this will be in my top 10 most entertaining movies I see this year.
Cool: Randall is amazing!; Barbara Eden is dressed as a typical Western teacher through most of this and she still manages to be hot; Stop motion! Puppets!
Lame: The only thing lame in this movie are the jerks that live in this town, but they get theirs
Rating: 8/10, it's a less dark, more whimsical Something Wicked This Way Comes set in the Old West
The Dead Want Women (2012)
Back in the late 80s/early 90s I was a full on Full Moon fanatic. I rented everything they put out, even the kiddie focused stuff. Their product feels like it's been slipping more and more which makes me sad. I still love B-movies so I know I haven't outgrown what they used to do, but I have seen a few SyFy Original Movies that I've enjoyed way more than this.
Cool: The first 25 minutes. Seriously, once the back story is told shut it off and make up your own rest of the story, it's bound to be better.
Lame: The movie asks a lot for me to believe these two blonde bimbos are real estate agents (or even actresses); The second third of the movie is them cleaning the house and talking about what happened and once The Dead show up in the final third, they're not interesting especially the Curly wannabe
Rating: 2.5/10
Bloody Mallory (2002)
Mallory leads a supernatural strike team consisting of a drag queen demolitions expert, a telepathic, mute little girl that can posses living things and a G-man with a gun (wait, how'd he get in there?) on a mission to rescue the kidnapped Pope.
If you took Buffy, Evil Dead, Hellboy and a badly-dubbed kung-fu movie, tossed in a pinch of anime and put it all in a blender at high speed, you'd get this flick.
Cool: Did you read what I wrote up there?
Lame: The dubbing is horrible but totally adds to the off the wall charm
Rating: 7/10, it's crazy town banana pants!
Month Total
New:9
Year to Date
New: 21, Rewatch: 0
With you totally on Horror Express. Great cast, too.
ReplyDeleteIt's a shame about The Dead Want Women. I used to love Full Moon/Charles Band movies so when I saw it on Netflix I thought it sounded cool. But now it'll be shunted down my viewing list a bit.
And Iron Sky was fun. Loved the Laibach soundtrack in particular.
I can sorta see the low budget charm of it but the story just wasn't very interesting to me. I think they were trying harder when they were younger so they'd build up a fan base.
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